How I tried…

3 weeks had passed since I ended my relationship with Casanova. I was on Match.com meeting different men, and thought that it’s time for me to go back to speed dating. The last time I went was in September, where I met Casanova…

Speed dating seems more productive than online dating for me. Even though he maybe good with emails, sometimes I don’t get the same vibe when I meet in person. On a speed dating event, I only get to talk for 5 minutes each, but it doesn’t take long to figure out if I want to know more about that person… When 5 minutes seems long, I know that I’m not interested.  What I like the most is, that I get to meet about 15 men in one night!

I signed up for a speed dating event in San Francisco, hoping to have an interesting evening.

But 30 minutes before the event, Casanova texted me…

“Ugghhhh…u really screwed me up..
I just feel abandoned by u and having a very rough time
Hope ur doing okay”

This short text, messed up my mind… without a thought, I was calling him. Casanova answered… we had not talked in 3 weeks, but as soon as I heard his voice, I realized that I needed to focus on the speed dating… so I hung up.

It was too late… the damage was done… Though I was speed dating with 15 different men, Casanova was on my mind. Not only was I thinking about the text message, but I was comparing each men with Casanova… During the short break, I checked my phone. And there it was, another text message from Casanova.

“Just had car accident- someone did hit and run on my car in parking lot- they rear- ended me- I watched it happen from outside my car–horrible day..-:(  “

Why did he have to text me on the day I go back to speed dating… It was as if he knew what I was up to… I was upset about myself. I was easily distracted by Casanova’s words, and ruined an opportunity to have a good conversation with those men.

The next day, I was still feeling angry at myself.  So I texted Casanova, “Why did you have to text me yesterday. U screwed me up 😦  “

Casanova replied,  “Because I miss u and am disappointed in u”

And the texting didn’t end here…

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How I tested…

I signed up with Match.com to do a market research. I heard that 60% or more is “MEN looking for WOMEN“, so there was a high chance that I would receive emails from MEN.  I didn’t write much on my profile, but did add a few pictures assuming that’s what guys were looking for. Bingo! I was definitely a fish in the sea!  I received enough response to compare the type of men on Match.com.

===ATTENTION===

Ladies, there are womanizers on Match.com.  If you read his message, you should be able to tell that he hasn’t read your profile. He probably has a template, or maybe wrote ONE message and copy/pasted them to multiple women… hoping that he would get a few responses from the large fishing net.  Some are LONG emails, which makes you think that he spent time writing to you ONLY… If he sounds too good to be true (e.g.. over 6Ft tall, good looking, making 150K+), he probably is.  If he’s much younger than you, it’s a yellow flag.  If he has a cell phone number on his 1st or 2nd email, he’s NOT wasting his time.  Womanizers have really good communication skills. Their stories are going to be really interesting. They will act like a gentlemen but really moving fast to have sex with you.

I actually met quite a few men from Match.com to test my instincts, and also to keep myself busy. Thanks to Casanova, I could now differentiate between a womanizer and a normal guy. Hopefully, I’m IMMUNE to players.

My problem was, I noticed that none of these womanizers were as good as Casanova. Though these players had money, interesting stories, etc. the flow wasn’t as smooth as Casanova. Casanova was a dating expert. And now, I’m having a hard time looking for a guy that interests me… Casanova had screwed me up badly…

Ever since I dated Casanova, there wasn’t a day that I didn’t talk to him (except the few days that I was in Boston). So after breaking up, I was really feeling empty. I kept remembering the happy times that we shared, as I still couldn’t believe that this DRAMA had happened to me. I didn’t PRETEND to be fine, and I did try to cope with pain. I didn’t give up on finding my next man…. but my biggest mistake was NOT taking the time to heal.  I was rushing myself to get over him since I didn’t want my friends to worry about me…

===ATTENTION===

Things to remember after a breakup…

  • Healing takes time, so be patient. Don’t rush.
  • Allow yourself to grieve the loss. CRY!!!
  • Reach out.  Don’t try to get through this on your own.
  • Take care of yourself. You will mentally get weak.
  • Learn from the breakup. Understand and acknowledge.
  • Don’t try to find a replacement (rebound)

How I learned about “womanizers”…

I met Casanova after he tried a whole week to persuade me to come back. He seemed so happy to see me again. Seriously looked like a boy who was ready to open his christmas present.  But I told him right away, that I only came to say “Good Bye“. His face changed completely… He asked me if I would change my mind, but I said “I can’t”.  We had nothing else to say, so I left…

A few minutes later, Casanova called, begging for another chance… He said that he was incredibly insulted that I left him, but he was determined to get back with me… Casanova had already lost my trust, hurt me badly, and I thought that it couldn’t get any worse… so I told him that if he tries another stupid stunt, I would be gone. Also told him to close the Match.com account.

Casanova happily agreed and came to me. He hugged me really tight… but that’s when I noticed that he was burning up. He had a FEVER!  To my surprise, the fact that I tried to break up with him a week ago, affected him mentally and physically. Don’t get me wrong. He was ONLY insulted because he’s never had a WOMAN leave him… I was upset with Casanova, but I couldn’t leave a sick guy… so I stayed at his apartment for 5 days until he got a little better…

Casanova was NOT a guy to be trusted… He was only feeling weak because of the FLU. When he started to recover, he said,

I don’t think it’s healthy to close the (Match) account.  I don’t think its healthy because it means u don’t trust me.
And I don’t want to be in relationship like that.  I need ur trust”

There was NO WAY that he was going to change for me.

===ATTENTION===

You can’t change a person. Unless he truly WANTS to change, you can NEVER change him. It’s next to impossible. So stop trying.

I gave him the chance, but he ruined it in a couple of days. It was OVER.  6months ago, we met at the speed dating event, I didn’t think that we would be breaking up this fast…

I talked to a few friends about my situation with Casanova. One person randomly said to me, “womanizer”… That was it.  Casanova was a womanizer… I knew the word but didn’t link the word with Casanova.

I started to read about Womanizers on the internet. Most articles said the same thing… “Flashes his cash, over complimentary, king of nicknames, makes you think dirty, asks a lot of questions, Mr. Future…”

Casanova fit the profile, but I still wanted to know more. So I started to read about  “PICKUP ARTISTS“.  Casanova doesn’t pickup women at a coffee shop or at work, but he does use the same techniques once you meet him on the first date.  He must have taken this class or studied about it at one point, but have been building his skills over the years. It’s like a muscle getting bigger and stronger…  He’s only 31 years old. He’s an unstoppable person…. I don’t know how many women have been used by him already, and how many more will become his next victim

player

How he tried…

Ever since I found an opened “emergency contraceptive” box in Casanova’s apartment, I’ve been telling him that I’m walking away from him. But he wasn’t listening… So I decided to write an email… I didn’t want to be emotional about it, but I wrote a long email to thank him about the happy times that we previously had, and to apologize for my current behavior. I assume that most MEN don’t read long letters from women (from “FRIENDS” episode… remember?), so I didn’t expect Casanova to read it either. But I wrote it anyway…

Casanova called me the following morning, but I ignored it. And look how he replied by text…

“Messed up- I’m ignoring that email
What u doing today/tomorrow?”

The funny thing is that, on this day, Casanova accidentally opened an email with computer virus. Because of that, many emails were sent out, including one to me. The email contained many match.com email address, which basically proved that he had been talking to MANY women on that site.  So I replied;

Me:  “Btw, your virus sent me emails w other email addresses attached. It gave away who you’ve been contacting. So many match.com address!”

Casanova: “Ai Yo–its a scam u crazy girl!!
Think about it
Your smart
Love you
How about u come and I whisper poetry in ur ear
Trust can change over time–i will prove to you”

Me:  “you underestimate me. I was a system administrator.”

Casanova: “Then u know when an email is hacked that many strange addresses can do strange things- many girls contact me on match- u r making assumptions..I don’t appreciate
Come be with me

Ai O—look how much I need you!
Come be with me please

No more sacrifice- its honor to be with you
Please come to me—want me to pick you up?
Miss you

i will take action to build your trust more
Come stay with me next couple days- demanding woman
See me
Have dinner with me?
Let me please u
Something…
Stay couple days?
I have idea to build more trust- calling u now
We could have been spending this day together..:(
Want to hang out tomorrow?
U complain about me not being avail on weekends- well, I was avail today and tomorrow
Come see me today?
I read your email—I’m ready to get more serious with you—-I’m sorry for misunderstandings and hurt I caused you—I need you—you are the woman….you are what I need”

Casanova called and texted me for a whole week… Countless calls and messages telling me that he loves me and has a list of things that he would do to get my trust back… he even said;

“I don’t need u to trust me—Many many people trust me deeply and all my X’s want to get back with me…so, I know I’m a quality guy”

Nothing that I say to him was getting to him. He just would NOT give up… I decided to see him on Sunday, just to tell him in his face that “it’s OVER“.

candle holder

How he’s picking up women…

Earlier in our relationship, there was a day when Casanova and I were at a hotel lobby, and he was checking his emails on his iPhone. I had walked behind him and saw that he had emails from Match.com and eHarmony. He told me then that he had signed up before we met, and he keeps receiving junk from them.

At that time, I couldn’t care less. But now I got curious. I went and searched on Match.com …. I easily found his profile….. it reads;

“Hi- I’m hoping to connect with a special person, to explore the world together and build a happy relationship. Looking for someone who enjoys conversation and appreciates a healthy lifestyle. Some hiking/kayaking, drinking tea on a rainy day, getting on a plane and flying somewhere spontaneously, reading a good book by a fire…are all ideal activities. I’m accomplished in my career, un-attached and ready for a relationship.

Favorite hot spots: Favorite places would include anything tropical and anything that is classy and carefree. Cayman Islands, Hawaii are fav spots and locally anywhere there is a beach or a good trail to hike on…

Favorite things: Kale Salad, Smart phones- when they aren’t acting stupid, A misty morning at sunrise, a chess game with a friend at midnight, sleeping under the stars at a beach….and so much more.

For fun: I love to explore and learn, while enjoying companionship and interesting conversation. My time is usually spent building ideas or blazing a trail into the intellectual realm.

Last read: Reading? Who has the time? Joking—well, I read lot’s and lot’s of emails, as I’m a CEO…and that means lot’s and lot’s of legal contracts also…:( But, I’d say rich reads–such as Poe poems, Tolkien or genre’s which capture the imagination….”

Casanova was ONLINE within an hour I checked the site, which shows that he’s ACTIVE on Match.com. The profile says “un-attached and ready for a relationship“.  I don’t know how many times Casanova said to me how special I was to him that he is taking our relationship seriously, and committed to me. He has called me a “WIFE” by mistake… or maybe that was on purpose… so his profile says it all… he is a LIAR

I checked Match.com for a few days and noticed that he is also checking EVERYDAY.  I told Casanova that I know about the site, but he gave me a stupid lie… “I let my friends do stuff with my account and profile- for their own benefit“.  Doesn’t it make you laugh? Seriously, why would your friends want to use your profile?! Why would you give your login password to a friend?!

images

Casanova is a successful business man, extremely talented and smart, but when I confront him with evidence, he can’t think of a better way to lie. Of course I disagree to lying, but couldn’t he think of a better line?! I used to respect him and found him very attractive when he talked about business, but now, I thought that I have overrated him.

After coming across the “Plan B/ emergency contraception“, I’ve been telling him that I’m walking away from him.  But he doesn’t get it! He would text things like;

“Why r u being strange– Miss u

Babe- stop–I’ll make u feel better when I see u…but please understand ur man has many meetings and unexpected things arise

Don’t be demanding on me–it puts pressure on me to be tempted to do things that I’m not ready to yet with u…

Don’t say things like that- now u r insulting me “if it’s true”
Don’t give me drama- please give me ur love…I only have love for u

Don’t be deceived by whatever u saw or speculate—its called talk to me about it–online profiles give incorrect data…To people”

(Casanova is extremely fast at texting. He would beat any dictation software or games out there)

Casanova asked me to think about what we should do on Valentine’s day. Despite all the arguments that we were having now, he owed me money, and I needed to get that back from him. So I made my mind to meet him for Valentines Day but put an end to this relationship the next day.

How it finally hit me…

Seeing Casanova with another women on a Sunday afternoon was so shocking, that I went over and over the incident again in my head… Because I was so happy with him just few weeks before, I couldn’t believe the situation I was in. I had only imagined about how happy I would be with him… and didn’t occur to my mind of him cheating… In my previous relationships, I always picked on the guy and provoked a fight. Casanova was the only person so far that I never argued with… until now…

===ATTENTION===

If he is TOO GOOD to be true, he really is.  You must NOT believe him. He’s FAKE.

Casanova knew that I was really upset, but he called as if NOTHING had happened. I thought that I needed to talk about this, so I went to see him.

Guess what I found in his apartment this time……

Plan B One-Step (emergency contraceptive)

plan B

It was a USED box… Could I be more insulted? There was also a women’s facial cream, but that wasn’t an issue anymore.  This was a WAKE UP CALL.  In stead of feeling sadness, I was actually getting ANGRY.  It’s disgusting that he is having SEX with multiple women without a condom.  I confronted him with new evidence, still hoping that he would give in and tell me the truth. Casanova replied with anger, “You went in my TRASH?! Are you crazy?! Do you hear yourself?! I have many friends and family visiting here. Someone must have left it! “

Casanova was never going to tell me the truth. He still came up with a ridiculous LIE. How could someone go to Casanova’s apartment, just to take an emergency contraceptive? He was getting angry at me for looking at his trash, in stead of apologizing about deceiving me (FYI I’ve never gone through someone’s trash before. But finding a pubic hair in the bathroom made me insane.)  We were both angry at each other that we couldn’t have a conversation.

I left the apartment with humiliation.

How I noticed the signals…

The following Monday, it was Casanova’s 31st birthday. Normally a girlfriend would think of a gift, but I purposely didn’t give him anything. Just like Christmas, I thought that he already had everything, and that he was the one with money. This was another good choice that I made in this relationship.

Next day, Casanova asked me to pack for several days and stay at his apartment. His apartment was still not complete and he needed some help. As I was good at house cleaning, I found myself really cleaning and organizing…

I don’t know when it started, but it sometimes felt like he was giving me orders… I like to help, but don’t like to be ordered…

Though he had asked me to pack for a few days, all of a sudden on the second night, he tells me that he will be having an early business meeting so I need to leave NOW! This was a YELLOW flag.  There was definitely something going on. Why would I have to leave for his early meeting? It didn’t make sense… I was getting upset about his decisions…

Weekend went by… Casanova asked me to come over again. This time he didn’t mention about the duration. I went to his apartment, but I wasn’t the same person anymore. The moment I walked in the apartment, I was looking for changes.

Casanova always purchased from WholeFoods as he was careful of what he ate. He was a kind of person who would NEVER purchase from a Chinese store. There is a Chinese store right outside the complex, but he had mentioned to me that he hates that place. But, there were Chinese seasonings purchased from that store. Casanova doesn’t read/write Chinese, so there was NO WAY that he had purchased them himself.

I went to the bathroom, and you will NOT believe what I found… a black pubic hair… I know for certain that it wasn’t mine since I’ve got rid of mine with laser treatment… This was a RED flag.  Because of this one hair, I turned into an investigator.  I looked at the trash in the bathroom and found a ladies shaver… and a receipt. From the card number, I knew that Casanova had purchased it.

I confronted Casanova with the evidence, hoping that he would be sorry for what he had done… In stead he said “I have family and friends stay here too! Someone must have shaved in the bathroom. I don’t know what they do there….”.

evidence 1

It was an obvious lie. Casanova was a person who would give real names when talking about somebody. If it were his family or friend, he would have said the name.  Plus, it was Casanova who had purchased the shaver.  I could NOT believe that he would lie to me in my face! Casanova even said that I was paranoid and that “I need to trust him“. He repeatedly said that he loves me and that there is nothing to worry. I was so angry that I had to leave immediately.

On Sunday, I went to my friends birthday party in Red Wood City. I was upset about Casanova, but because I had fallen in love with him, I somehow hoped that it was just a slip. Just a one time mistake.  On the way back from the party, I decided to go to a store with my friend.  As I was walking around…… right in front of me, there was Casanova with an Asian woman…  Could you believe out of all the places that I could have gone, I meet Casanova here?!  I was ready to make a scene and walked towards them. Casanova didn’t see me coming, but when I stood in front of the two with an angry face, Casanova looked at me….. without a panic or fear in his face, he just signaled “shhh” and put his finger by his lip.  He knew that I was going to make a scene at the store, and so in front of his date… I realized by his gesture, that it would have been childish if I started yelling at him while everybody in the store would listen and stare…

Without saying anything, I walked away. When I think back at this incident, I should have said something… I could have at least asked him what he was doing here.

Few minutes later, Casanova texted me the following;

“Hi there! In a meeting- lol
Chase bank biz person
In a group thing also
Different people around me right now-
What r u doing in Redwood?
She wanted to walk as we were waiting on some other things- so was talking about candles
Hey- don’t scare me like that—brought back bad memories–please don’t let ur friends put doubts in ur mind–we don’t need that- this is exactly why I worry about u being “bored” or not having enough to do–women just sit and complain about the men- not nice..Ai O…anyway- hug…
I’m real busy today- have some fam and friend stuff going on too…
Not even sure when I could be done with stuff
Babe- the other day- I didn’t get some stuff done I needed to- cause I was with u–so- we spend quality time when we can
If I finish up quick- I can pick u up later
What r u doing tomorrow?
I have a lighter day tomorrow
I’m trying to think of movies that will help u understand better–hmm…
Hug…I called u–never answer..:(
Why rn’t u answering me..:( not nice…I think our relationship is lovely–but being tested now- please don’t doubt- I work very hard for u–thanks”

He called me several times and I listened to his stupid excuse.

The problem is, even after seeing him actually cheat, I was still thinking, “they didn’t look like they were having a good time. My first date with Casanova was definitely more attractive than that”… Do you see how love made me crazy?! How NAIVE I am?  Do I need to see them have sex in order to believe that I was cheated on?!